Ramblings to clear the mind...

So much has happened in March 2008 with my mind. I think this month was really the ultimate realtiy check for me. After all, I spent basically 10 years of my life since i was 6 or 7 years old culminating in this month. Yes, college decisions. Most people don't like to talk about what colleges he/she got into or rejected by and for a while I've been pretty afraid to do so myself. But I figure that I should break that over-competitive mindset with regards to this stuff once and for all. I'll map out what happened:

First acceptance. Georgia Institute of Technology. Great rankings, not as well known by West Coasters. I got this notification via madre over the phone while I was eating dinner with friends. I was really elated, but it felt really impersonal since it was only by word of mouth that I got the news. So it was more of a "smile, get back to work" kind of deal for me even though I knew I should have been more happy about getting in.

I got accepted to UC Davis next. It came in an email and I was surprised not that I got in, but the fact that it came online (this would prove to be an impact later on). I had always imagined the letter of acceptance to be some boisterous envelope with bright colors and a shining school emblem on the front, with the mailman/lady grinning as he/she handed me the letter saying some corny phrase like, "way to go, son!" or "what a bright young man we have here!" Just the fact that it came in such a nonchalant and gray way in my Gmail inbox was the opposite end of the spectrum.

A few days later, UC San Diego rolls in. I actually didn't know it came in until I went to church. Every senior there was frantically sharing about their acceptances or rejections to SD and I felt more like I was at school with competitor students than with a congregation of church. Its stuff like this that is leading me to believe that the institution of Church is an unnecessary component of my Christian faith, but I'll save that for a later topic. Anyways, I ended up frantically rushing to get home to check the decision online, and sure enough I was accepted. Again, I realized that I wasn't elated by the fact that I was admitted, but this time I was excited because I had met the standards of my competitors at Church and I felt like I could take on the next admission easily. You can imagine me feeling like Clint Eastwood's character in a spaghetti western, showdown with the villain, calm and collected and knowing that the villain would have a bullet in his chest by the end of the standoff. I was seriously ready for anything.

It came in the mail. My rejection from MIT I met the maillady who tossed me the package of mail as I frantically sorted through the Super-Savers and bills to find that glittering package that I had been waiting for. Instead, I found a thin envelope on the bottom, with one neatly folded sheet of rejection in it. Fun, I literally thought. I was initially shocked beyond belief upon getting my first rejection, but I realized that it was my stretch anyways. So the enemy drew the gun on me first, big deal. I've still got the faster draw, I can match.

Bam. A shot to the chest was my UCLA rejection. The second I saw the letter online, I slammed the laptop screen down and tried to sleep at 9 pm. This has ought to have been one of the most prolific "reality bites" moments of my life. I simply could not believe it. How could I get rejected by this school that I was sure I would get into? How could this be possible? Then came the thoughts of "what did I do wrong?" That was pretty much when I started to sink back into my history and recounting events that I remembered in high school. And that was pretty much when I realized the fool I was in Freshman and Sophomore year. Quickly I started to blame that stupidity that I had then to other people and events that shaped me and quickly I slapped my mind in the face knowing that the stupidity was my fault for the way I lived life then. Back then, I lived only for others and to please others. Back then, I lived only to make what little scraps of a social life worth something. But the efforts were definitely strained in the wrong direction and I realize now what a fool I was in those years. "You reap what you sow" says the Bible. I never took that phrase to heart even though my mind said yes, my soul ignored. Like in the Western where the character who is shot stares at his wound in disbelief for a while before falling over, I was still in absolute shock by the UCLA rejection and slowly came to realize that I was not perfect and because of my life in freshman and sophomore year, I would "reap what I sowed."

Following decisions:
Northwestern - Rejection
UC Berkeley - Rejection
Purdue - Accepted
Carnegie Mellon - Rejected
Harvey Mudd - Wait-listed
USC - pending
University of Michigan - pending

So here I am now. Finally realizing the wounds my years of high school cost me. You might say that I am overdramatizing college admissions and that there are plenty of opportunities to come no matter what school I go to, which is very true. I should know this and I try to know this, but it pains me to hear of people getting into Berkeley, LA, MIT, etc, because I know that I could have gone there. I could have done anything. But because I was stupid, I reap the benefits of having been stupid. And the saddest thing of it all is I can't change that. hahaha. I laugh right now because I read this and I can tell that alot of it is quoted directly from the lectures my parents gave me back when I was stupid. "You've only got one shot at it and you can't change the past" and "You can do anything you want, you just have to try for it." I can laugh and cry at the same time, because to a lesser degree, that is what I feel now. A sense of ironic tragedy...like a Greek tragedy of some sort when the main character realizes a mistake and realizes there is no fixing and weeps. Yes, this is overdramatized to an insanely high degree. But what can I do? I am a human being...we are good at overdramatizing, and if thats what I'm good at, I might as well employ it.

On a lighter note, I feel like opening a cafe. Yes, I would much enjoy owning and running a cafe. The aroma of coffee to the syncopation of jazz or blues sounds very appealing at the moment...

I'm listening to a lot of alternative rap and underground rap these days like the Roots, a Tribe Called Quest, and Mos Def. Good rap is very underappreciated these days...especially those people who go around listening to screaming/death/heavy/speed metal saying that rap and hip-hop are unintelligent and conformist. I have yet to be introduced to a metal band that speaks more truth musically or lyrically than a lot of rap groups.

I might return to Seoul this summer!

OK, I'm going to get this off my mind now, very quickly. I have this giant issue with the validity of the institution of the Church right now. Please do not call what I am saying "unchristian" or sacreligious or whatnot now because questioning our faith and its aspects without immediately coming up with predefined answers in justification is the only thing that separates faith from blind faith.

What is the point of the Church? I look at the Church and I see one of the most unusual centers of social interaction existing. I go to Church and worship God in a predictable service in which God is placed in some higher realm that is unreachable by us human beings. For instance, we sing songs, and throughout the songs, I unconsciously start thinking about other things, whether it be school, family, food, whatnot. Why do I stand there and do nothing? Even when I try to worship, its a forced effort where I am not really worshiping, but moreso, struggling to keep my mind clear of everything else that doesn't have to do with worship.

If I suppose the Church is not for worship, then it must be for fellowship. That I do see because every Sunday, the second service ends, I rush to talk to other people and to see how their week was. Perhaps I'm suppose to worship God in that sort of way. But then I think about it. Don't I have that same social interaction back home? Can't I do fellowship with other people at school and around home? I compare myself, people at church, and people at school and I see no distinction. If there is no distinction, then the Church is an unnecessary center of fellowship, is it not? It might as well be another social club because in every conversation at Church the context of God and Jesus is either in light joking or standard definitions in "why do I come here every Sunday (given answer: to worship God!)." Then perhaps the distinction in fellowship might be the fact that I am surrounded by other Christians who I know share the same faith. But even that is rather dumb because 1) I can't even tell between Church friends and school friends other than the fact that Church friends refrain from swearing and grossly vulgar jokes 2) the idea of going to Church just for the sake of being around people only affiliated in a certain category seems...retarded 3) I have friends who are affiliated Christians at school too, no?

Perhaps the Church should not exist. My personal belief in Christianity is based upon the idea that human experience naturally leads us to Christ. By living life as any other would and experiencing the world as it is, it becomes more and more evident that the human life is naturally devoid of some constant. Something that maintains that person's soul throughout every experience that compiles into emotion. This constant is Christ whom we are free to choose anytime based on our experiences. What other way is there to meet God other than personal experience in life and the affirmation resulting that He completes the soul?

The only good thing I could ever see left in the Church institution, and probably the only reason that I ever do go every Sunday, is the fact that sermons are given. At one point I highly doubted this too but only because I lacked an inherent understanding about my current state of mind at the time. Now I realize that sermons are the only way that prevent the Christian from becoming a Scientologist or a cult of some sort. Human beings have this interesting power to perverse anything they seek to change. Like Jim Jones who led thousands to a mass suicide just by manipulating things in Christianity bit by bit, the capabilities to harm and manipulate that humans possess without proper guidance is shocking. Through sermons, people can remain on a steady track in a constant, being Christ. Since the only thing core to the Christian faith is the belief that Christ died on the cross for us, it seems that all else is relative to a certain degree, and sermons' only purpose is to suggest ideas for guidance within the parameters of that constant core element to the faith. Yet is this congregation of many people to one place to listen to a sermon and just leave necessary? Is it something that must be done in a social environment? Would it not be more personal and applicable if people could be guided through sermon without having to worry about how they looked or what condition they appeared to be in to other people? Things like this make me doubt the institution of Church and why its so necessary...

Finally got that off my mind.

I clock out at 3:10 AM.

Good night from the New York side.